So you want to start a band??

26/09/2008

You’ve read Hammer of the Gods fourteen times. Your bedroom walls are plastered with posters of your heroes from NME and Kerrang. You’ve played Smoke on the Water on your Yamaha keyboard and performed with single-fingered chords and a heavy metal backing track in front of your family at Christmas and you’re hungry for more. It’s time to start a band!!

But where do you start? What path should you take to reach your goal? After many years of playing in many bands, the boys from Lazy J have decided to offer their opinions on the Do’s and Don’ts of making your own music.

1. First, you need band members.

• Do – ask people you know and like. You’re going to spend a lot of time with these people. It helps if they can play an instrument as it will a) Help your overall sound as a band and b) Stop you having to see your mate cry when you sack them because they still can’t play Smells like Teen Spirit.

• Don’t – hold open auditions. There’s a lot to be said for advertising on the internet for, ‘Bass players who are influenced by….’ then carefully vetting applicants with a number of phone calls, texts and e-mails before inviting them to ‘jam’. Holding an open audition can leave lasting mental (and sometimes physical) scars. We’ve all seen reality TV auditions where crazy folks are dragged out of the studio by body guards after thirty seconds. Imagine being stuck in a room with such a character for thirty minutes and then having to ask them to leave without the help of body guards. Worse still is when you realise that the next Jimi Hendrix has entered your world only for him to reject your offer after he hears what your songs sound like.

2. You’ve finalised your line up and played a few cover songs, now comes the time to find out if you’re the next John Lennon and can write your own material.

• Do – Dig your old tape deck out and record yourself in rehearsal. It’s a good way reflect on what you’ve done and create ideas for improvement.  

• Don’t – Let anybody outside the band listen to these tapes. We live in a digital age where sound and picture quality are held in the highest esteem. There’s nothing more demoralising than your girlfriend giving you a patronising smile before announcing that it’s ‘not her kind of thing’. To you it is the blueprint for a creative masterpiece, to her it’s a fuzzy noise laced with feedback and out of tune vocals.

3. So, weeks of rehearsal now leave you thirsty for your first taste of the limelight. It’s time to book your first gig.

• Do – Pick your venue carefully. You may have an uncle who is best mates with the largest venue in the area, but that doesn’t change the fact that when all’s said and done it’s just a big room and big rooms need big audiences. Your local pub is always a good bet, friendly, intimate and if you get more than ten mates there the landlord may decide to have a lock in. Bonus!

• Don’t – Invite your family. You may love them to death, but all parents seem to have a default setting when watching their children perform. So if your mom was the sort who’d run on the football pitch and cuddle you when got injured imagine the damage she could do to your rock’n’roll image. Especially when she reprimands you for smoking as you walk on stage!

It should also be noted that at an early Shindig (aka Lazy J) gig, the stage was ambushed by a certain member’s mother who proceeded to demand that they play her favourite song. So we have some in-depth knowledge of these things.

4. The gigs have been going well and you’ve started to produce a good selection of songs, but you need more gigs and the better venues won’t book you without hearing your stuff. Time to raid the savings account and record your first demo.

• Do – Try and find out about a variety of studios and compare prices, listen to samples etc. It’s usually a good idea to try and meet with the engineers to find out what they need you to provide and ask their advice on what will be the best way to work. Finding a studio you like can be difficult, but there are lots to choose from and it’s your money.

• Don’t – Get hammered either before or during the sessions. The Rolling Stones can afford to spend as much time as they want in the studio because they’ve sold millions of records. So if ‘Keef’ turns up a few bottles of whisky worse for wear then the others can shrug and head down the boozer while they wait for him to sleep it off. Unless you’re loaded, you can’t. For one it will affect the way you play and it will damage the overall quality of the performance. ‘Pro Tools’ can’t fix everything!

Also it may damage relationships within the band, especially if your drummer has borrowed money from ‘Larry the Lunatic’ owner of the local boxing gym in order to finance your time in the studio.

5. The demo’s recorded and ready to go; now you need to get it heard.

• Do – Send it everywhere. Why not, what is there to lose? At worst you may get a few compliments from mates who think a couple of the songs are alright.

• Don’t – Expect world domination. You will be the biggest fans of your own music because you wrote it. That doesn’t mean everyone else will love it, especially if it’s your first effort. Invariably the first demo you record will be rubbish and everybody who listens to it (apart from your parents) will think so even if they don’t say so. In years to come you’ll listen to it and realise it’s out of tune and out of time but you’ll still be proud because you made it.  

Also, don’t play it in front of crowds of people. Many a birthday party has turned sour after the dance floor has been cleared by the warbling mess your Nan has forced the DJ to play.

6. The e-mail/call from heaven has arrived: someone is interested in signing you.

• Do – Make sure you find out as much as you can about the company offering its services. It's big business and there are plenty of sharks. Get advice from the Musicians' Union which offers legal support. If any contracts are put on the table get them checked out thoroughly.

• Don’t – Go on a three day bender and swagger into your office to tell your boss where to stick his job and inform all the good looking girls you’ll be on E4 next month. A lot of bands sign deals, but only a handful make a decent living out of it. Do the maths!!

7. The band has run its course, tempers are frayed, ego’s bruised and ear drums demolished. It’s time to delete your myspace and seek pastures new.

• Do – Start a new band. Why not, it’s fun. So what if nobody ever comes to your gigs and your garage is filled with the two thousand EP’s you had pressed three years ago. It’s not about the fame and wealth, it’s about the music…isn’t it???

• Don’t – Go on Pop Idol. If you’ve been in a band and played hundreds of gigs, spent thousands of pounds and wasted millions of hours waiting for the headline band’s drum kit to turn up, then you have earned the right to say that being a professional musician is your dream. If you have stood in a line and sung the verse/chorus of ‘Angels’ to an ITV office junior, then you haven’t and it isn’t.